Airport chaos

I reckon it must be someone’s job to design airports for maximum chaos.  I would be really good at that.

Let’s start outside the terminal.  I would make any arrival point, taxi drop-off, bus terminal, train station etc, a long way from the terminal entrance.  Then I would make the walk interesting by having several roads to cross and, most importantly, the roads would have high curbs just to add a few obstacles for those with heavy luggage.  In front of the terminal’s entrance I would place some big concrete blocks with the smallest possible gaps in between them.  This creates chaos in two ways.  First, anything other than hand luggage will not fit through the gaps and second, it ensures that passengers leaving the terminal clash with those arriving.  There is also the catchall perfect excuse for the existence of these concrete bocks – “security”.  Remember the time the front of airport terminals were open and some terrorist drove a car full of propane gas through the door?  The concrete blocks are to prevent a reoccurrence.  I just hope no one spots the fact that the gaps between the blocks are not big enough for a baby pram let alone a Land Rover, but never mind, lets move on to inside the terminal.  

There has to be a distinct lack of any signage, obviously.  And what signs there are should be confusing.  For example have a big sign with an arrow pointing to an exit that says “DEPARTURES”.  Then put a really small sign on the elevator, just next to the exit that says “departures 3^rd floor”.  Special attention needs to be paid to corridors. Make them narrow.  Then have the queue for security along that narrow corridor and ensure passenger traffic, with luggage, is in both directions.  Finally, and this is my piste de resistance, have a few randomly placed and completely unnecessary obstructions protruding from the walls a few inches above the floor.  Perfect for trapping those wheelie bags that seem so popular these days.

Creating chaos at security is easy.  Make everything narrow, keep the queues long and make sure that on the other side of the X-ray, there is minimal space and no seating where passengers can, for example, put their shoes back on.

Creating chaos in the airport lounge is a slightly subtler affair as the heavy and bulky luggage has been checked in by this stage.  With a little attention to detail however, it is still possible to create a reasonable amount of disruption.  Never, for example, print the number of the gate on the boarding pass.  This will force passengers to interrogate the information screens, which obviously, are kept as small and inconspicuous as possible.  The correct citing of the screens is a key consideration for chaos production.  They have to be located at major junctions of passenger traffic, so that those standing waiting for the screens to display their gate number clash with those already queuing to get to their gate and, for the coinsure of airport design, combine this with a queue for the coffee shop and a seating area.  Real genius then becomes manifest when you make sure the seating all face away from the information screens.

I would apply for the job but unfortunately someone has got here before me.  To the person who designed Terminal-3 at Manchester Airport, I take my hat off to you.  You are the undisputed master.